


Pikuach Nefesh

by thesometimeswarrior



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Jewish Character, Character Study, Ficlet, Gen, Guilt, Judaism, Loss of Faith, Post-Episode: s06e07 Once More With Feeling, Very Minor Reference to Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24444646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesometimeswarrior/pseuds/thesometimeswarrior
Summary: Two things are and always have been true about Willow: First, she has built her life on that which she can see, provable,touchableevidence that she extrapolates through careful research. Second, she is a Jew.Judaism believes that the preservation of life supersedes all else. A few other things that Judaism believes: One: Heaven and Hell don’t exist. Two: if Heavendoesexist, it’s onEarth. This world, the world of the living, is where the deadwantto be, isn’t it? Three: when it’s time for the World to Come, there will be a Resurrection of the Dead, and all the righteous dead will be able to return to Earth.(Buffy was—is—righteous! Buffy was dead—didn’t she deserve to return to Earth?)(After the truth of Buffy's resurrection is retched out of her, Willow reflects.)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	Pikuach Nefesh

Two things are and always have been true about Willow: 

First, she has built her life on that which she can see, provable, _touchable_ evidence that she extrapolates through careful research. 

(Yes, the notion of the _concrete_ has taken on new meaning for her on an ongoing basis—it’s an ongoing revelation, in this digital age, and also since she became aware of the mystical forces at her fingertips, the demons beneath her feet. It’s an ongoing revelation—not dissimilar to those silly stories she was always taught in Hebrew School, when she paid attention, about how the Torah was given once, in the desert, to a bunch of desperate sleepy runaways, but how the receiving continued on-and-on, and how even they, second graders sitting in a rundown classroom in the only synagogue in Sunnydale, were receiving it too, even in that moment. Yes, her notion of what it means to _touch_ something has changed now that she plays with internet code and magics—forces beyond her visual perception but that she can see are _there_ —but the revelation is ongoing and these things too are _concrete_.)

The second thing that is and has always been true about Willow is that she is a Jew. 

(Yes, there is an irony here, and it’s not lost on her—that she who hung hidden crucifixes on the walls of her childhood bedroom, who carries a cross with her for protection next to her stake and her wolfsbane even now, would proclaim such a thing. But the crosses were never about _Jesus_ —is it _her_ fault that all those vampires and demons that crawled out of the Hellmouth seemed to take such a Christian-normative stance about expressions of Good and Evil? And Judaism says something too about the preservation of life at all costs—she can’t remember the exact Hebrew phrase, but she does remember that it means that the preservation of life—the _preservation of life_ —supersedes all else! _All_ else!)

Judaism believes that the preservation of life supersedes all else. A few other things that Judaism believes: One: Heaven and Hell don’t exist, at least not in the way that Christians talk about them. Two: if Heaven _does_ exist, it’s in the form of something called _The World to Come_ , and it’s on _Earth_. This world, the world of the living, is where the dead _want_ to be, isn’t it? Three: when it’s time for the World to Come, there will be a Resurrection of the Dead, and all the righteous dead will be able to return to Earth.

(Buffy was— _is_ —righteous! Buffy was _dead_ —didn’t she deserve to return to Earth?)

(Willow has _power_. It’s _concrete_ —she _feels_ it buzzing around her fingers, surging in the air and the Earth around her. She had the power to bring Buffy _back_ —and Buffy _deserved_ that…)

(The preservation—the _continuation_ —of life supersedes all else! Doesn’t it?!)

Willow has built her life on things she can see. She has _seen_ Hell, has lived her entire life on its mouth. As for Heaven—why would she believe it existed anywhere else, if not on Earth?

But Hell is not the only thing she can see. She saw Buffy’s face as the horrible truth about her resurrection was retched out of her several days ago, in the form of a song in front of all of them, and sees it over-and-over again in her mind. She sees the way Buffy walks now, as if in a trance, how she hasn’t smiled since she’s been back, only grimaces occasionally as if in pain, and Willow feels this in her stomach, as a deep lurch, a hole. 

She feels something crumbling away around her, too, at this revelation, beyond all the guilt and the shame, a collapse of certain foundations she has constructed her life upon. 

If things were different, she might ask for help, might sit with Giles and ask him to parse out her storm of emotions with her, perhaps over a book or two. Or she might even stumble into the synagogue and ask to speak with the Rabbi. But as things stand, she hasn’t seen the Rabbi since her Bat Mitzvah almost ten years ago, and how could he possibly comprehend all this? And even if he could, Willow couldn’t bear another speech like Giles’s about the dangers of a human being playing God, and how dare she, and isn’t she stupid and an abomination.

(As for Giles himself, he’ll hardly look at her, after what she’s done, so to go to him voluntarily, to _ask_ him for help…)

No. So, instead, she clings to the power in her hands, tries to ignore what’s falling away, what’s already fallen.

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this piece _Pikuach Nefesh_ is Hebrew for "preserving a life," and is the name of principle that Willow refers to here--that in Judaism, saving a life supersedes all else.
> 
> Also, to be clear, I do not think that Judaism advocates for what Willow did. But I do think the way _she_ interprets Judaism might have.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! I love comments!


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